What to Do When Marriage Gets Hard (and Parenting Makes It Harder)
Practical ways to support your spouse, avoid resentment, and find repair on the other side.
Marriage is hard. Parenting is hard. Put them together and sometimes even the simplest conversations — like “How was your day?” — feel impossible.
When kids are clamoring for your time, attention, and every last ounce of energy, where does that leave space for the deeper conversations with your spouse? And then life throws a curveball — a health crisis, financial stress, or just the sheer exhaustion of juggling it all. What do you do when one (or both) of you is really struggling, and the way you cope looks totally different?
I’ve been there. During one of my daughter’s heart surgeries, my husband and I had opposite ways of handling the stress. I craved closeness and processing out loud. He needed distance and time to process internally before he could even begin to talk. We weren’t syncing up, and I felt frustrated, alone, and honestly a little resentful (okay, a lot resentful).
And here we go again — next week our daughter goes in for another surgery. Which means we’re about to re-enter hospital-trauma-season. (Accepting all prayers, all advice, and any hacks for doing it better than we’ve done before. Send coffee. And snacks.)
What I learned from that season changed me: sometimes the best gift you can give your marriage is to let the season be hard, without forcing a quick fix. Sometimes it’s okay to let a season just be hard.
You don’t have to fix it for your spouse. You don’t have to make it tidy or “wrap it up with a bow.” And spending all your energy trying to fix the situation (that you probably can’t fix anyway) can actually make things worse.
What if, instead, you gave yourselves permission to let it be what it is? To conserve your energy for repair afterwards, when the storm calms and you’re able to find one another again?
Not every hard moment needs to be solved in real-time. Some seasons are about holding on, being kind, and trusting that you’ll have the strength to reconnect when the time is right.
Okay, but how do you actually let your spouse struggle without losing your mind? Here’s the list I wish someone had handed me when I was in the thick of it.
How to Let Your Spouse Struggle Without Letting Resentment In
Ask what percent they have in the tank. Try: “Hey, what percent are you at today?” If they say 30%, it helps you set expectations, pause on big conversations, and know not to take it personally.
Name the season out loud. Saying, “This is just a hard stretch — we don’t have to solve it all right now” takes the pressure off.
Don’t compare coping styles. Just because you need to talk it out doesn’t mean your spouse does (and vice versa). Let them process the way they need without judgment.
Channel your energy elsewhere. Instead of stewing in frustration, redirect that energy — go for a walk, journal, text a safe friend. It keeps resentment from building while your partner processes.
Find little things to compliment. When your spouse is struggling, small praise matters even more. “Thanks for handling bedtime” or “You made me laugh today” reminds them you see the good — and keeps resentment from sneaking in.
Sprinkle in humor when you can. A shared laugh can remind your spouse you’re a safe place, even when life feels heavy. Laughter doesn’t fix the pain, but it signals: “We’re still us.”
Ask how you can help — then really listen. Sometimes the answer will be: “I just need space.” As hard as it is, honor that. Space to recharge can help them come back more present and ready.
Call in reinforcements. If your spouse has a friend or family member who helps them find joy or perspective, ask that person to check in. Sometimes the support they need comes best from outside the marriage.
Know when it’s time for real help. Some seasons take longer to heal from than others. If your spouse is stuck and it’s weighing on you too, it may be time to suggest therapy. And if you’re both struggling? Say that out loud. You’re allowed to be hurting at the same time — and counseling can help you carry it together.
Remember: one bad season doesn’t define your relationship. Marriage is for the long-haul. Hard times are guaranteed. Try not to let the “this is forever” spiral take over.
How to Step Into Repair Mode Together
Check in on timing. Ask: “Would now be a good time to talk about us?” That small question creates safety and signals you’re ready for repair.
Share without blame. Use “I” statements like “I felt alone when I didn’t know what you were thinking” instead of “You never talk to me.”
Appreciate first. Lead with gratitude for how they showed up, even if imperfectly. (“Thank you for staying steady when I fell apart.”)
Make one small plan forward. Agree on a tiny action — a weekly check-in, a walk together, or just asking about “percent in the tank” — so repair feels doable, not overwhelming.
Plan frequent alone time together. I know it’s hard with busy schedules, but if your marriage is a priority, carving out intentional time alone is key to reconnecting.
Bring humor back in. It may sound cliché, but laughter really is powerful medicine. Shared joy can bridge the gap even before hard conversations are fully resolved.
Offer understanding and forgiveness. Even if you’re hurting, try to separate your pain from their behavior from their pain. While one impacts the other, it’s easier to heal when you focus on one issue at a time.
Remember: repair takes time. Just because you’ve decided to reconnect doesn’t mean the hurt disappears overnight. Give yourselves permission to rebuild slowly.
Put it Into Action
What’s one way you can support your spouse without asking them to change how they’re coping?
Where does resentment start to creep in for you, and how can you redirect it?
What’s one small action (compliment, laugh, check-in, or prayer) you can try this week to strengthen your connection?
If you’re both struggling, who could you invite in (friend, counselor, mentor) to help carry the load with you?
Because marriage in the middle of parenting isn’t about perfect timing or perfect communication — it’s about showing up, even when it’s messy, and trusting that repair is possible on the other side of hard.