What to Do When Marriage Gets Hard (and Parenting Makes It Harder)

Practical ways to support your spouse, avoid resentment, and find repair on the other side.

Marriage is hard. Parenting is hard. Put them together and sometimes even the simplest conversations — like “How was your day?” — feel impossible.

When kids are clamoring for your time, attention, and every last ounce of energy, where does that leave space for the deeper conversations with your spouse? And then life throws a curveball — a health crisis, financial stress, or just the sheer exhaustion of juggling it all. What do you do when one (or both) of you is really struggling, and the way you cope looks totally different?

I’ve been there. During one of my daughter’s heart surgeries, my husband and I had opposite ways of handling the stress. I craved closeness and processing out loud. He needed distance and time to process internally before he could even begin to talk. We weren’t syncing up, and I felt frustrated, alone, and honestly a little resentful (okay, a lot resentful).

And here we go again — next week our daughter goes in for another surgery. Which means we’re about to re-enter hospital-trauma-season. (Accepting all prayers, all advice, and any hacks for doing it better than we’ve done before. Send coffee. And snacks.)

What I learned from that season changed me: sometimes the best gift you can give your marriage is to let the season be hard, without forcing a quick fix. Sometimes it’s okay to let a season just be hard.

You don’t have to fix it for your spouse. You don’t have to make it tidy or “wrap it up with a bow.” And spending all your energy trying to fix the situation (that you probably can’t fix anyway) can actually make things worse.

What if, instead, you gave yourselves permission to let it be what it is? To conserve your energy for repair afterwards, when the storm calms and you’re able to find one another again?

Not every hard moment needs to be solved in real-time. Some seasons are about holding on, being kind, and trusting that you’ll have the strength to reconnect when the time is right.

Okay, but how do you actually let your spouse struggle without losing your mind? Here’s the list I wish someone had handed me when I was in the thick of it.