If “How Can I Help?” Makes You Want to Scream…

Simple strategies for moms to say yes to support without the guilt or overwhelm

Have you ever felt yourself cringe—or even get a little triggered—when someone asks: “How can I help you?”

It’s not because we don’t want help. We do. Usually, we’re desperate for it. But when you’re already maxed out—like, level-10-overwhelmed—the question can feel like another assignment. You suddenly have to sort through all your needs, figure out which ones are “okay” to ask for, and wonder if you’re being too much.

I’ve been there. For me, it’s looked like hospital stays with my daughter and the long recovery stretches at home. Those were the exact moments when I most needed help—but also had the least brain space to actually say what would help.

That’s why I’ve started thinking about this question before crisis hits. Because whether it’s postpartum, illness, grief, or just a family season that feels like too much, having answers ready can take the pressure off later.

Think About This Before Life Gets Messy

Here are a few questions you can sit with now—so that when someone asks, you’ve already got your answers lined up.

Do I actually want people around?

When I’m stressed, does company help me feel supported, or does it drain me? Would I want visitors to sit with me, or would quiet and privacy feel better?

What kind of food would really help?

Do I want DoorDash gift cards so I can choose? Home-cooked meals I don’t have to think about? A friend dropping off takeout? Or maybe someone actually coming into my kitchen to cook while I rest?

What’s my biggest relief valve?

Is it laundry magically disappearing? A clean bathroom? Someone wrangling the kids so I can nap? Or just having a friend on the couch so I don’t feel alone?

Who’s the communicator?

If things get hard (like a hospital stay), do I want to be the one texting updates? Or would I rather appoint a friend to share news so I don’t have to?

What boundaries matter most?

Would I want people to text before dropping by? How do I feel about others posting on social media about what’s going on?

What kind of financial support feels comfortable?

If people offer money, would I want gift cards, meal train contributions, babysitting help—or something else?

And what would feel like too much?

Surprise drop bys? No thank you.

Because sometimes it’s just as important to name what would overwhelm me—like a house full of people, or a constant stream of texts—so I can protect my own sanity.

Pro Tip: Save a “Help Reply” in Your Notes

Here’s something that can save a ton of mental energy:
Create a pre-written text in your phone’s Notes app that you can copy, paste, and tweak when people check in.

It could include:

• Your Venmo or PayPal link

• Your email address

• Your home address (if you’re okay with visitors or drop-offs)

• Links to any donation sites, meal trains, or sign-ups you’ve set up

Here’s a sample:

Thanks so much for checking in and asking how you can help. First and foremost, I could use all of your thoughts and prayers, that’s more than enough. If you’re looking for tangible ways to help, here are a few practical things my family has helped put together that would be super appreciated right now if you:

– [Insert Meal Train link / DoorDash gift card link]
– Venmo: [Insert Handle]
– Drop-offs: [Insert Home Address]
– If you’d like to visit, please text first to check timing.

Your support means the world—thank you. ❤️

That way, you’re not retyping the same info over and over when you’re already exhausted. One tap, and you’ve made it easy for people to show up in exactly the way you need.

Give Yourself Permission Not to Reply Right Away

Another layer of pressure we put on ourselves is thinking we have to respond to every check-in right away. You don’t. It’s okay to be slow to reply.

You can even create a short script for “text fatigue,” something like:

Hi! Just a quick note to say thanks for checking in. I may be slow to respond right now (text fatigue is real), but I see your message and it means so much. Love you and appreciate you.

This lets people know they’re seen and appreciated—without draining you further. It’s a simple way to release yourself from the guilt of delayed responses.

Copy + Paste Templates You Can Use

To make this easy, here are two ready-made scripts you can save in your Notes app and adjust for your situation:

Help Reply Template

Thanks so much for asking how you can help! Here are a few things that would be super helpful right now:
– [Insert Meal Train link / DoorDash gift card link]
– Venmo: [Insert Handle]
– Drop-offs: [Insert Home Address]
– If you’d like to visit, please text first to check timing.
Your support means the world—thank you. ❤️

Why This Prep Work Matters

Thinking through these questions doesn’t mean you’re bracing for the worst. It just means you’re giving your community a map for how to show up. It takes the pressure off your future self when you’re already stretched thin.

And maybe even more important—it helps you remember that asking for help isn’t a burden. It’s an invitation. It lets people love you in the ways you’ll actually feel it.